What makes a memoir?

PHOTO BY: idealism

The genre is memoir. The good news is that there are many resources on how not to stink at writing one.

The bad news is that I need to find a way not to be preachy and not to be boring. I think I can find that way but it's a skill that needs honed. Yeah, people I know all skills need to be honed. Have you seen my portrait painting? No, no you haven't because while I can paint a little like there's a bit a raw talent that was genetically gifted me, I've never taken the time to hone the skill.

My sister's art rocks.

I can practice writing.

But upon a little more introspection, I've missed a glaring but very important piece of the last five years. What's funny is that if you just even look at the titles of many of these entries they are often about my friends. Well, when I had that "you've got to change you're life" epiphany many years ago another thing aside from losing weight and going back to school 'was cultivate new friendships'.

When the divorce/separation/split happened I lost many friends. I suppose by definition they weren't much in way of friends. However I was very isolated. I had one or two who've been with for decades but ouch. I was very alone.

So I sought me out some friends in a very managed, structure, strategic way. And don't all go getting your feelings hurt. It wasn't like my feelings were insincere. I wasn't just collecting people to call my friends, but when I made a connection, I really tried to nurture it. And I plotted to find people with interests that would expand mine. I found me some cycling friends, some wine drinking friends, some pulse on current culture friends, some weight loss surgery friends, some mommy friends and low and behold some you had the same career/education path as me friends.

They are the tri in the trifecta of what has made my happiness happen. Or I made happy and the friends swooped in. I don't know which came first but regardless they are monumental.

So the question, all SATC (sex and the city) style, do we get what we want then become attractive or to we make ourselves attractive then people find us? And I don't mean I'm cute now so I have friends, but what comes first opening ones self up to new the possibility of cultivating relationships or finding the relationship and cultivating it?

Regardless, my buddies have all been instrumental in giving me the support and encouragement and a side helping of pragmatism that has done more to foster my success than anything I could have created on my own. And that was I believe the missing piece to how I write this thing that I so badly want to write.

So thanks.

Style

Photo By: Capture Queen

I found my style while shopping this past weekend in Chicago, I didn't buy anything but that's beside the point. It is no small feat for a woman of 41, who rarely dressed for occasions, who would shop just to cover her body to figure out what works or not works. I mean I could tell you what I didn't like, but that's about style.

This is about style, comfort and fit.

This is about me wearing the clothes, not the clothes wearing me. About feeling good about how I look. Apparently I like to wear tight pants. Who knew. I'm not talking about lay down on the bed to button them pants, but I like um snug. I'm amused.

I like clean lines with some details. Nothing too frilly and certainly nothing that looks too trendy. I equate trendy with cheap. Trendy does not equal current. There are current things that don't look cheap which I like. If you were wondering. You probably weren't but some people do.

I've talked more about clothing my new body with more people than I care to recount here. You might find me vapid if I actually sited numbers, time spent and content of those conversations.

And why are you still reading about one woman's shopping victories? Because there's something in the narrative which is emotional, logical and analytical, and those are the pieces of decent story telling.

Emotional: We all struggle to feel good in our bodies. Part of that is how we look, and part of how we look is how we dress. When that falls apart our emotions get all jumbled.

I am not the first woman to cry in a dressing room at Macy's.

Logical: If you've been following my story, it makes sense that I'm newly discovering how to dress and how to shop. Ms. Deirdre is the oldest of three girls and knows her way around a clothing store and how to build relationships with the people working there. I'm learning from the master. And because I'm soliciting every woman I know who has a bit of panache in her style I'm learning 1. Women can talk shopping; 2. One must hit all kinds of stores in the off chance you'll find a piece that works; 3. Finding the piece is what the shopper's high is all about. It's makes all the searching and trying worth the effort.

The progression: Lose weight, shop for new clothing, look hot. It's a girl's dream come true.

Analytical: Really this is more than just clothing a body. This is about watching someone discover things taken for granted and having a new found appreciation for what you already know. Women more than 20 years younger than me figure this stuff out. Is it like watching a baby learn to walk? Perhaps not as profound, but it is along those lines. So here I am dressing myself, "look momma I tied my shoe!" walking tall and proud. You too can remember learning to tie your shoe, learning what works on your body type.

You can and walk tall beside me.

And yeah, we'll save the world next week. I get that this is shallow on one side but it's deeply relevant on the spectrum of awareness and presentation and how we build relationships, which is fact, the point of it all.

Picking Up Pennies

PHOTO BY: dawnzy

See a penny

Pick it up

and all day long

You'll have good luck.

I actually stopped in the middle of run today to pick up a penny. It was near the end of the run, I had been thinking about the whole penny picking up thing today, and there it was all gnarly and chewed up, but I had to stop. I didn't want to be a hypocrate and I didn't want to miss an opportunity.

Once I thought there were only two camps of penny picker uppers. Those who did and those who didn't. I hadn't realized that there are actually penny pitchers. Not pinchers, but pitcher-like thrower awayers. My heart skipped a beat when my friend who remains my friend told me she will throw pennies away. I hope now she'll stop or at least throw them out the car window so someone who finds them beneficial can maybe pick them up. Yes, I'm advocating littering, but littering with value. Even if it is only a penny.

I obviously pick them up.

I know they don't carry much value. One can not find penny candy, but I see them as little pieces of opportunity. Like if you are so busy or so beside yourself with importance to not pick one up, then you will be too inwardly focused to see other opportunities that present themselves to you.

That touches the theory of do we manifest opportunity or does plop on a plate in front of us? I think it's a little of both. We are all just a lucky happening that we got born, but what we do with it once sentient and somewhat on our own maybe 20 years later is a whole lot of work on our part and the parts of those who kept us from dying when we were growing up.

At any rate, seeing the penny and stooping to pick it up is more about reminding myself to keep my eyes open and making room for possibilities. It reminds me that little things have value and that regardless of how wealthy I hopefully become (and don't think that's not a goal, it is.) I mean how likely will the universe send me something meaningful if I choose to be oblivious to the little things or think I'm too significant to care about a penny?

And Deirdre, I still love you. BTW, I'm renaming all my friends for The Book. And no, you don't get a say.

Talking Stuff as in Junk

Photo by:Laughlin

Have I said this before?

1. You are what you say you are. If you say you're smart, people will find you to be smart. It's a cool way to manifest your own reputation. I suppose you can't go around calling yourself a super smarty pants all the time then do idiotic things because then you'll look like you're not very self aware or you've got a bad grasp of meaning of smart, but the point is people will believe about you what you say about you.

2. "I'm a mess" or "I'm the worst friend ever!" things like that which are not so subtle ways of taking the pressure off yourself for your own perceived short comings also will get you a handy label. A very adept dude I know, someone whom I look up to, calls himself a mess regularly. Sad really. I'm wondering if I shouldn't be looking up to him. Like where's this mess hiding? If I get closer will I be called in to clean it up?

The worst friend ever comment really lodged itself deeply with me. I was nudging a friend for a little conversation and she was sending all the signals that her life was a bit hectic at the time, so I backed off and got my nudging on with other people. When her work load and life hassles lessened she showed up saying things, "I'm sure you think I'm ignoring you" along with the "worst" thing. It gave me pause and I thought, "No, I thought you were busy. It hadn't even occurred to me that you'd ignore me on purpose. You ignore people on purpose? That's pretty stinky. That's something a worst friend might do. You are a person who ignores her friends and doesn't even know the value of friendship! Whatever have I been thinking? Out with you!"

Then I got my real voice in my head the one that's been tempered by actually knowing this woman and knowing she'll say those kinds of things and hope for a filter. I filtered. I love her to this day. But it's a drag to have to filter. And I'm doubting the value of the messy man. They would do all of a favor if it stopped. And who knows how many people have been alienated by that negative language?

3. Then there's this positive transference thing too. Say something good about somebody to a third person and they'll put those attributes on to you. Like to Mary, "Brenda is so generous and creative." Mary will think you are a generous and creative person too. It's weird and there's science behind it. If I were the kind of blogger that actually kept notes while they read I'd have a link for you. Someday, someday.

But the point is:

Use this stuff to better situate yourself in the world. 1. Define who you are or want to be and act that way. Tell people you're all that too. 2. Don't do yourself any misfavors by talking junk about yourself. Enough people want to drag you down, you need not add to it. 3. Say something nice about other people. If the transference thing doesn't motivate you, think of it as good karma. Kind words will get you some kind words.

And whoa Nelly. That's all advicey. Game on.

Throughout

Photo by: Sheila Tostes

I really thought I'd be back to life sooner than I am.

I thought I'd have this surgery business behind me and I'd be pouring out the words of my experience. Hard to write about other experiences when you are busy having an all together new one that takes up all the room in your life.

Recovering from 8 plus feet of incisions and having your skin all pulled tight is an experience.

Holy Crap. No one told me it would lay me out like it has. I'd not have believed them if they had. Liar, liar pants on fire. But there's not going back, only forward. So tally-ho.

Oh, and my recovery is going with out much of a hitch. I'm doing better than most, so go figure. I'm just a not so fat big baby.

But on to other more important news.

The Book.



Well I've concluded that the book isn't going to be so much how you can do as I've done with charts and lesson, a how to guide to getting off your ass, but more how I did what I did and it's made me appreciate joy and happiness and living my life.



And I'm going to write it in huge run-on sentences like the one above. No I jest. I won't end sentences with prepositions either. Well maybe I will, but that's just to be conversational. My father always said and probably still does, but we don't talk much these days, "I can do nothing about" when asked to influence a situation that was out of his control. I always would mumble, "it, you need to add an it."



Anyway, next week looks incredibly less busy and I'm hoping I'm feeling incredibly more well so I plan on getting some words down in regard to The Book. Go me.

Photo used under Flickr Creative Commons License.