Sometimes I Cry

Photo by: Mike Ingalls, my step dad.

I had reason today to move the file which contained this picture. I hadn't looked at it up close recently. I mean this is the photo I use as my standard 'before' shot, so I show it once or twice a month to people. I don't really look at it much.

I sent it Gabbi, she's a weight loss surgery girl too with a statement, "Sometimes I forget".

I do.

I don't really forget, I hope I never do. But sometimes I just worry about daily stuff like money and childcare and what to make for dinner and the reality of my weight loss is floating around in the back of my head.
Then I saw this picture today and sent a note. Moments later I was lacing my shoes to go for a three mile run. I run.

That girl in that picture there, she runs.

That's monumental. So much so that I cried. Where else do you but emotions of relief and joy and sorrow and gratitude? I hope I can capture just mind blowing that is someday, because it is. To go from being there to here has been amazing.
It's not just about accomplishing the goal. It's about understanding that one can do whatever it is that they want to do. If one takes the long view and breaks things down into manageable pieces. Oh then not giving up. There's so much more to this.

What makes a memoir?

PHOTO BY: idealism

The genre is memoir. The good news is that there are many resources on how not to stink at writing one.

The bad news is that I need to find a way not to be preachy and not to be boring. I think I can find that way but it's a skill that needs honed. Yeah, people I know all skills need to be honed. Have you seen my portrait painting? No, no you haven't because while I can paint a little like there's a bit a raw talent that was genetically gifted me, I've never taken the time to hone the skill.

My sister's art rocks.

I can practice writing.

But upon a little more introspection, I've missed a glaring but very important piece of the last five years. What's funny is that if you just even look at the titles of many of these entries they are often about my friends. Well, when I had that "you've got to change you're life" epiphany many years ago another thing aside from losing weight and going back to school 'was cultivate new friendships'.

When the divorce/separation/split happened I lost many friends. I suppose by definition they weren't much in way of friends. However I was very isolated. I had one or two who've been with for decades but ouch. I was very alone.

So I sought me out some friends in a very managed, structure, strategic way. And don't all go getting your feelings hurt. It wasn't like my feelings were insincere. I wasn't just collecting people to call my friends, but when I made a connection, I really tried to nurture it. And I plotted to find people with interests that would expand mine. I found me some cycling friends, some wine drinking friends, some pulse on current culture friends, some weight loss surgery friends, some mommy friends and low and behold some you had the same career/education path as me friends.

They are the tri in the trifecta of what has made my happiness happen. Or I made happy and the friends swooped in. I don't know which came first but regardless they are monumental.

So the question, all SATC (sex and the city) style, do we get what we want then become attractive or to we make ourselves attractive then people find us? And I don't mean I'm cute now so I have friends, but what comes first opening ones self up to new the possibility of cultivating relationships or finding the relationship and cultivating it?

Regardless, my buddies have all been instrumental in giving me the support and encouragement and a side helping of pragmatism that has done more to foster my success than anything I could have created on my own. And that was I believe the missing piece to how I write this thing that I so badly want to write.

So thanks.

Style

Photo By: Capture Queen

I found my style while shopping this past weekend in Chicago, I didn't buy anything but that's beside the point. It is no small feat for a woman of 41, who rarely dressed for occasions, who would shop just to cover her body to figure out what works or not works. I mean I could tell you what I didn't like, but that's about style.

This is about style, comfort and fit.

This is about me wearing the clothes, not the clothes wearing me. About feeling good about how I look. Apparently I like to wear tight pants. Who knew. I'm not talking about lay down on the bed to button them pants, but I like um snug. I'm amused.

I like clean lines with some details. Nothing too frilly and certainly nothing that looks too trendy. I equate trendy with cheap. Trendy does not equal current. There are current things that don't look cheap which I like. If you were wondering. You probably weren't but some people do.

I've talked more about clothing my new body with more people than I care to recount here. You might find me vapid if I actually sited numbers, time spent and content of those conversations.

And why are you still reading about one woman's shopping victories? Because there's something in the narrative which is emotional, logical and analytical, and those are the pieces of decent story telling.

Emotional: We all struggle to feel good in our bodies. Part of that is how we look, and part of how we look is how we dress. When that falls apart our emotions get all jumbled.

I am not the first woman to cry in a dressing room at Macy's.

Logical: If you've been following my story, it makes sense that I'm newly discovering how to dress and how to shop. Ms. Deirdre is the oldest of three girls and knows her way around a clothing store and how to build relationships with the people working there. I'm learning from the master. And because I'm soliciting every woman I know who has a bit of panache in her style I'm learning 1. Women can talk shopping; 2. One must hit all kinds of stores in the off chance you'll find a piece that works; 3. Finding the piece is what the shopper's high is all about. It's makes all the searching and trying worth the effort.

The progression: Lose weight, shop for new clothing, look hot. It's a girl's dream come true.

Analytical: Really this is more than just clothing a body. This is about watching someone discover things taken for granted and having a new found appreciation for what you already know. Women more than 20 years younger than me figure this stuff out. Is it like watching a baby learn to walk? Perhaps not as profound, but it is along those lines. So here I am dressing myself, "look momma I tied my shoe!" walking tall and proud. You too can remember learning to tie your shoe, learning what works on your body type.

You can and walk tall beside me.

And yeah, we'll save the world next week. I get that this is shallow on one side but it's deeply relevant on the spectrum of awareness and presentation and how we build relationships, which is fact, the point of it all.

Getting Back to Regular

Photo by: ms. Tea

It's after midnight and I'm feeling little pain because of narcotics. Funny I choose to write, because pain medication does little to help me focus and contrary to what it may seem I do focus a bit when I write. I try.

But ahhh...insomnia induced by a pot of white tea has me up past midnight sitting at my laptop with Pandora playing happy tunes and blogger open. This feels so close to regular I could cry. It's been a minute since I've felt regular. Insomnia, music, and words. I'm making lists in my head too. I've missed that so much.

Why?

I've been skinned alive and stitched back together in the most humanely way possible within the confines of what is medically ethical and it hurts like a mother. After massive weight loss the lucky ones of us sign up for massive body reconstruction. I am as gratified for my life and opportunities as I am in pain. Which is quite a lot, if you haven't yet caught on that ouch, this hurts.

Meaning I feel fortunate to:

have lost the weight

afford the plastic surgery (or finance it)

have a job which allows me ample time off
to be fit enough so as to recover without issue

But what I feel even more fortunate about is the outpouring of support and love from the people around me. Folks offering to shop for my groceries, put my kid to bed, mow my lawn, buy me dinner, taxi me about...I knew I had a circle of good people. But seeing it manifest so tangibly makes my heart grow a size or two. Thanks my people.

So regular is good.

Plans are good. Moving forward is good too. And yes, there are many posts to be written. I'm so excited to be getting back.

Photo credit http://www.flickr.com/photos/teagrrl/ by use of Creative Commons on Flickr

Friends

Photo:terren in Virginia

I freaking love Brunch

It's a shame that not all my people read this here blog because all my people are asking questions and sending me well wishes for the upcoming week. I want to tell them all, "Of course I'm anxious and I indeed appreciate your kind thoughts." Now don't mind me if I go into hiding for a few weeks. You'll get a call to let you know I made it through the surgery. Promise.

But talking about my people and this coming week and my past week there was a epiphany of sorts. Many people know that I've been busting my butt to lose weight, it's dramatic and visually obvious, thanks for noticing. This coming week's surgery, where my skin is going to be retrofitted to my now smaller body, is a product of that effort.

Last week I finished my MBA. Many people know about that too. Thanks for the cards and the "congratulations" and yes, I am very proud of myself. I too can't believe it's finally over.

But the third thing of which I'm equally proud of is that during the years I've spent in school and losing weight I actively went about cultivating genuine friends too. Not networking in a plotted way, but making existing friendships stronger and creating new friendships where before there was a void.

I love you, my people.

And then there's this happiness thing. I've been reading Gretchen on the Happiness Project which is amazing and gives me more good ideas than anything else I come across. You should read it too. And there's also This I Believe which a while ago talked about cake on Fridays as a standing tradition. I can't find the actual story. But it spoke of community and love and cake and family. What's not to like about all that?

Well, now school is done, my home is happy, my life is moving in a crazy new directions-I'm scared I'll lose old work friends if I don't put something in place. I have few traditions from my childhood but I actively work to give them to my daughter, I love cooking and can't eat nearly all the wonderful things I enjoy making, which tied to a happiness project got me thinking about brunch.

HAPPY BRUNCH

I'm going to have a monthly open house brunch to make happy with my friends. Yeah, this is going to have to wait until after I recover, but it won't wait too long. There will be food and joy.

I love cooking, tradition and friends. I have the time.

I'm going to have to put this in email, to my people, so they will show up. But I thought I'd put it here too well, because why not?

Would you like to join us? You're welcome. Just bring some eggs or juice or bagels or something and a some happy conversation. We'd love to have you.