Love Thy Self

There's this thing that I do where I compare before and afters. There's no real saying it when will happen. And I try to keep it to a minimum to the general public but the SO gets to hear it often.

I don't go on about the befores and afters to the public or friends, if you will, because I don't want to sound like I've come to Jesus and they should too. Or maybe I do and I'm delusional, which could be the case and I've got very sweet people who just don't tell me I'm nauseating with my continued contrasting. The SO has taken it as part of what I do.

And what I'm talking about most of the time is the before the massive weight loss and the after. But there's also the before returning to school and the after. I've got confidence in spades now and I don't much need to tell people about it because it shows. Also I don't need to tell people that I can do all kinds of things with my body now that I couldn't do before. It's obvious.

But then there are surprises. Like going toe to toe with my surgeon on things economic and political, then telling him to set that aside and focus on the real reason I was there which of course was me. That comes from schoolin'. Or being exposed to concepts and ideas because one is forced to due to being in school. (One doesn't need an MBA to read the books and know the stuff, but that's another post).

But you're going to get one now and one that pertains to the body thing. Today there was a surprise. While in the dark, in the tub, trying to make my head ache vanish I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, and hugged myself. Maybe I was more bendy because it was warm or I was squeezable because I was wet, but that's a move I've not performed in decades.

It was nice.

Then of course I was like awe, I'm hugging me. That's sweet. And doing that while having a head ache, meaning it must have been super sweet because head aches stink, badly. But then I thought about some of what I've been doing lately, which is mindfully stopping bad choices, and thought yeah, you're doing that because you love yourself.

Which I do.

And the best part is that I didn't get hung up on the part where I go back and count the years that I hadn't been bendy enough or that there was just too much of me to make that move feasible. Those years are marked by indifference to myself or self-hated and it's really an unfun place to go. I haven't let it suck me in recently, but it looms.

Instead I thought yeah, looky, I can hug myself, I want to love myself, I do love myself and I'm doing more to love myself often. I need to remember this at decision time to use to help over the hump of should or shouldn't. That's so useful.

I love useful.