People Posts

I was looking at my list of things to write about. Yes, I have a list. Well a few lists. If you knew me you would not be surprised. I could chart out my lists ala Excel but that would be just too much for you.

People

Anyway, one of them is titled "People Posts" and it's just a list of some of the people who've influenced or touched my life in poignant ways over the course of the last few years. Of course if I were to list it out here there would be an outcry by those thought to be overlooked (I have visions of grander) but more surprisingly I smiled as I reviewed the names. It was a while ago that I created it. Everyone still deserves their place but some of the sweetnesses have slipped my mind, seeing their names again however brought the kindnesses and memories back to me.

So here's the thing, of course they will be in The Book, which will be the working title in this blog, but I believe names will need to be changed to protect the innocent. Or really to keep me from having to fish for permission from each and every one.

What will I call who?

Sabrina? Tina? Tracy?

As I think about that, let me say near to the top of the list is someone whom I'm not related to nor do I sleep with that has been the single most influential woman I've met in the last 10 years. We met on line. She's had the same weight loss surgery as me and we met on a site that caters to that segment of the population. We have a similar sense of cynical humor and view food from the exact equally screwed up perspective. We also share a love of cycling and rarely found commitment to keeping our word. She's got more integrity than I can measure.

Aside from that we are ends of the spectrum. She's 20 something, I'm 40 something. She's married (to a freaking man no less) with kids. And I'm queer, divorced, sharing a kid with another woman and in a long distant relationship. She goes to church and I go to brunch. She's republican and my fingers can hardly type the word.

Daily

We send emails everyday. I keep up with her family details...her boy just got glasses, and she keeps up with mine. I can't imagine the last two years without her constant voice rattling around in the back of my head. She has inspired me and told me to quit my whining. She's been the voice of reason and has granted me permission to wallow.

A mere suggestion from her or a full on taunt had me partnered up doing the Muddy Buddy last year and we are signed up again for this summer. Yes, I'm bitter, but deep down she makes me a better person.

There is a point to this, and I'm getting there.

There are too many silly stories to share here and this is sappy even for me, but needless to say, no one journeys through life alone. Lucky are those who find kindred spirits and lucky are we that we live in a time when two people in different states can come together and make real live friendships that two people living as neighbors would rarely ever create.

And look at me loving my friends in yet another post. Insipid, I know.

Getting Back to Regular

Photo by: ms. Tea

It's after midnight and I'm feeling little pain because of narcotics. Funny I choose to write, because pain medication does little to help me focus and contrary to what it may seem I do focus a bit when I write. I try.

But ahhh...insomnia induced by a pot of white tea has me up past midnight sitting at my laptop with Pandora playing happy tunes and blogger open. This feels so close to regular I could cry. It's been a minute since I've felt regular. Insomnia, music, and words. I'm making lists in my head too. I've missed that so much.

Why?

I've been skinned alive and stitched back together in the most humanely way possible within the confines of what is medically ethical and it hurts like a mother. After massive weight loss the lucky ones of us sign up for massive body reconstruction. I am as gratified for my life and opportunities as I am in pain. Which is quite a lot, if you haven't yet caught on that ouch, this hurts.

Meaning I feel fortunate to:

have lost the weight

afford the plastic surgery (or finance it)

have a job which allows me ample time off
to be fit enough so as to recover without issue

But what I feel even more fortunate about is the outpouring of support and love from the people around me. Folks offering to shop for my groceries, put my kid to bed, mow my lawn, buy me dinner, taxi me about...I knew I had a circle of good people. But seeing it manifest so tangibly makes my heart grow a size or two. Thanks my people.

So regular is good.

Plans are good. Moving forward is good too. And yes, there are many posts to be written. I'm so excited to be getting back.

Photo credit http://www.flickr.com/photos/teagrrl/ by use of Creative Commons on Flickr

Friends

Photo:terren in Virginia

I freaking love Brunch

It's a shame that not all my people read this here blog because all my people are asking questions and sending me well wishes for the upcoming week. I want to tell them all, "Of course I'm anxious and I indeed appreciate your kind thoughts." Now don't mind me if I go into hiding for a few weeks. You'll get a call to let you know I made it through the surgery. Promise.

But talking about my people and this coming week and my past week there was a epiphany of sorts. Many people know that I've been busting my butt to lose weight, it's dramatic and visually obvious, thanks for noticing. This coming week's surgery, where my skin is going to be retrofitted to my now smaller body, is a product of that effort.

Last week I finished my MBA. Many people know about that too. Thanks for the cards and the "congratulations" and yes, I am very proud of myself. I too can't believe it's finally over.

But the third thing of which I'm equally proud of is that during the years I've spent in school and losing weight I actively went about cultivating genuine friends too. Not networking in a plotted way, but making existing friendships stronger and creating new friendships where before there was a void.

I love you, my people.

And then there's this happiness thing. I've been reading Gretchen on the Happiness Project which is amazing and gives me more good ideas than anything else I come across. You should read it too. And there's also This I Believe which a while ago talked about cake on Fridays as a standing tradition. I can't find the actual story. But it spoke of community and love and cake and family. What's not to like about all that?

Well, now school is done, my home is happy, my life is moving in a crazy new directions-I'm scared I'll lose old work friends if I don't put something in place. I have few traditions from my childhood but I actively work to give them to my daughter, I love cooking and can't eat nearly all the wonderful things I enjoy making, which tied to a happiness project got me thinking about brunch.

HAPPY BRUNCH

I'm going to have a monthly open house brunch to make happy with my friends. Yeah, this is going to have to wait until after I recover, but it won't wait too long. There will be food and joy.

I love cooking, tradition and friends. I have the time.

I'm going to have to put this in email, to my people, so they will show up. But I thought I'd put it here too well, because why not?

Would you like to join us? You're welcome. Just bring some eggs or juice or bagels or something and a some happy conversation. We'd love to have you.

White People

Photo By: A National Acrobat

My head hurts.

I'm at that spot where I'm at a loss for words. Well no, there are always words but my thoughts and what I'm thinking aren't coalescing neatly. I can't spit them out like I'd like.

Here's the back story.

I'm the white half of an interracial couple. No, I don't expect that to get me any awards, but what it does give me a little up close observation on the affects of race on us. I'm also a lesbian. Again I'm not looking for any acknowledgement of being different but in the journey of figuring it out, and it did take some figuring because it's not like it was assigned visibly at birth, where people could instruct me. As in, "Girl, you like the girls. That means the dirt covered ones, who like sports and swagger a bit are going to curl your toes. What you need to do is...."

But when I did find my like minded girls it was, dear god this is cliche, in a Women's Studies class at college. Whatever, bring on the revelations, I don't care how cliche they may be. And it was in that same class where I was introduced to the concept of privilege.

Privilege as a concept is some heady stuff.

Mind you this spawned a long and dark period of humorless political correctness which was all the rage at the time too. We are talking circa 1988. But some things took hold. You know, things such as really looking at the power dynamics of most uncomfortable situations. As I've matured, and I have, I can actively choose to act or not react to what unfolds around me. I can label and analyze and decide where I might have impact. Then move or not move. But usually, not being shy, I move.

At any rate there's all that. There's also Womanist Musings to which I subscribe because she's genius. (Just read it and get your mind blown.) Who clearly and recently brought to the forefront of my thinking again, that if you ain't it, then shut the hell up about who they might be. She was talking about a trans person. If she feels she is a she, then who is anyone else to say otherwise. No one else walks around in her skin. Call her she/her/hers. It's not complicated. It's not mine to determine. It is hers. Period.

Period. That's for emphasis.

So to tie this rambling together I encountered a white woman today who took it upon herself to define just how unblack another person was. She used ridicule and snarky language to deride this person and how she chose to represent herself. And I did use my words to say, "touch not", which is very ASL, and that she was out of line, in English, but white woman continued. Not Black Enough Woman was mean to her, thus it was her excuse to shred her apart.

Actually, call Not Black Enough Woman all kinds of things that were pertinent to the conversation where mean things were said. But do not ever, feel you can define what or who someone else is. Because you can't and to assume you can or that you even MAY is just the height of privilege racist ego.

Did I say this hurts my head?

Now what pisses me off more than not being heard when I said "shut up" is that I don't think I can encounter white woman again without explaining the whole house of privilege, again, which won't sink in, again, and I'm going to have to write her off. I explain things twice; a few times if you're paying me to, but otherwise if you can't get it we're done.

I'm disappointed.

Writing Soon

Photo: Pingu1963

It's Wrapped

I've not posted in some time because I've been busy wrapping up school. As in finished. Done. Poke it with a toothpick and the batter will be set, only crumbs sticking to it. The internal temperature of the pork is well over 160. It's done. I'm refraining from saying the juices will run clear, because that's just too nearly sexual. And school was many things, but sexy it was not.

In good blog fashion I should say what it was and expand on that but it's too soon. It's a degree that says I put my time and perhaps learned something. That's where I'm leaving it now.

Since finishing school I went to the library and got books. I read "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert on the flight to and from Las Vegas this weekend.

Me and My Ego

At one point before having read it, I said out loud and to someone I know, "I want to write the next EPL book." Oh, the arrogance in that there statement. It's a profound piece of writing which gave me chills and had me taking notes. I think the note taking has everything to do with my recent 5 year stint at the university. Regardless, I'm a few years behind the masses but wowzers. It was awesome.

And my ego needs a check.

Well maybe not, because while I find it funny that I could say what I said, my original intent of why I want to write is the same. I just want to tell my story and maybe inspire someone to make changes in their own life that will lead to their own personal happiness. Kind of like if I can pick myself up and change two very fundamental things about myself which caused me all kinds of pain, then maybe someone else can too.

The point is to not live in pain and fear but to live in joy.

And there are ways to really master that. Which while I'm no master I've been collecting tools of change for decades and want to share them.

Not here, not now, because well, that too deep for today's little post.

But if my book only gets in the hands a few people, then that's okay, because it will be what it's supposed to be. Here is where I straddle the line between wanting EVERYTHING to be the best possible thing it can be, hoping for some serious return on investment in many ways like EPL but also knowing that the return need not mean dollars and probably won't. (But dollars would be awfully nice.) Because the intent is in the writing not in the selling of the book. Also, I know good intent doesn't equal good book. Good intent still can leave a mess.

It will all shake out.

Because everything always shakes out, right? There is so much to plan for. The writing time is quickly approaching. I'm excited.

EPIC? Me? Go on. Really?

Photo: Darren Hester

I read this post by Charlie at productive flourishing. He's a genius. http://www.productiveflourishing.com/do-epic-shit/

The concept is amazing. Well not really, the concept is pretty much, do big things and get big results. Don't do something small and work like hell to make it look big. Start with EPIC as the mind set.

I thought what's so epic about little ol' me? Well frankly everything and nothing at all. I mean day to day, I'm a regular woman. I go to work, feed the children, love my people, work with my body, grow my brain. I think most people do a smattering of that. I'm not so special.

There's been a whole lot of change in the last couple of years.

But the everything part is that oh, about 6 years ago I thought the only way out of my then situation was for someone to die. Either me or my partner at the time. I was 34 and thought I was waiting for the end of a life so that what I really wanted to do could start. Isn't that so sad? I'd stick a frowny face in here if it weren't so cheesy.

Mind you I didn't want to kill her, nor did I want to die, but really, the thought, "Is this what I get?" saturated with disappointment about who I was and how I felt made me take stock, and say I can change this.

So I broke up with her. Big move, I realize.

We had a one year old.

That was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Breaking up with my partner meant that I would only have my child with half the time. What's EPIC about that? We are co parenting in a very collaborative, healthy way. The girl child's best interest is our ultimate decision question. Answer that and we are good to go. A lot of ego and hurt feelings has gotten set aside so we can do what is best for her. Girl child is the light of our lives. She fills our hearts and we are all happy. Also, ex's mother is among my dearest friends, to this day.

Then I decided to go back to school.

Because now I was single and had a mortgage and only one income and a child to raise. The three jobs I was working still wasn't enough money at the end of week. I was making decisions about what bills not to pay.

School was a way out economically, but it was a long view solution. It also was an answer to "How you can you stop hating yourself for never having gone to college even though you have very, very good explanations for not attending?" Going back to school to get an undergrad then a graduate degree at age 40 is EPIC.

Then I lost weight and in the process found a connection to my body.

Around 2006 I found out about lapbanding as a weight loss solution. After some soul searching I got on board and had that done in 2007. I've never looked back. I did my best to exercise and eat well. I looked at the opportunity as once in a lifetime chance to get regular so I worked it from every angle. I'm regular now and it's great. Losing 174 pounds is EPIC.

The collection of learning and people I've made along the way has been amazing. The shift in how I view the world, my potential and even my little brown house has gone from primarily negative to absolutely positive. And that is EPIC.

So what's that got to do with Charlie's post? How to take the humble story of me with all that gold and get it out there. I'm working on it. I suppose it's that book thing idea I have, that I don't want to talk about too much for fear of putting a whammy on it. Whammies and Hairy Eye Balls* dictate a lot of how I operate.

*Also known as the Evil Eye.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/ppdigital/

Freaking OUT

Photo:Perfesser_bear

I don't usually say I'm scared and burst into tears.

I don't usually reveal that kind of stuff in the space either.

What's going on with me today?

I'm just a few weeks away from graduating from school. I've been at it for 5 years. I do deserve to get done with it at some point.

Add one more week to that and I'm getting parts of my body lobbed off. They are parts I don't want, not like an arm or anything. It's my excess skin, but really it's still mine and it's going to be costly and painful and disruptive to my daily flow.

I'm scared of all the changes.

Oh and they are happening in close succession because I'm a master with a Gantt* chart and I typically make things happen with pretty good timing. A few months ago I considered this good timing.

* I heart Gantt, I read his biography, and I don't normally read biographies.

There's a trip to Las Vegas in during the weekend between the two major life changing events as well. Yeah, I'm that good or that crazy depending on your point of view.

So after I burst out into tears, my person, who knows me pretty well, went on to ask about the surgery recovery. She playfully stated that by the end of the six weeks I'll have my coaching business up and running and my book written.

I said, "You think you're being funny, but that's kind of the plan."

She said, "I wasn't being funny. I know that's how you operate."

There is no mystery to me.

And really, the plan is to be enrolled in some coaching certification program before then and to solicit agents for the book. Which means writing bits and bios and outlines and comparing like books. Also doing research on the coaching programs out there. Who knew there were so many?

But also cool, saying things out loud, to people like my on-line professor, such as, "Executive coaching is my ultimate career goal" got an offer to hook me up with someone she knows who is doing it for real, locally.

So yeah, Julianna doesn't have a plan past the end of May and she's freaking out 8 different ways.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/perfesser_bear/