White People

Photo By: A National Acrobat

My head hurts.

I'm at that spot where I'm at a loss for words. Well no, there are always words but my thoughts and what I'm thinking aren't coalescing neatly. I can't spit them out like I'd like.

Here's the back story.

I'm the white half of an interracial couple. No, I don't expect that to get me any awards, but what it does give me a little up close observation on the affects of race on us. I'm also a lesbian. Again I'm not looking for any acknowledgement of being different but in the journey of figuring it out, and it did take some figuring because it's not like it was assigned visibly at birth, where people could instruct me. As in, "Girl, you like the girls. That means the dirt covered ones, who like sports and swagger a bit are going to curl your toes. What you need to do is...."

But when I did find my like minded girls it was, dear god this is cliche, in a Women's Studies class at college. Whatever, bring on the revelations, I don't care how cliche they may be. And it was in that same class where I was introduced to the concept of privilege.

Privilege as a concept is some heady stuff.

Mind you this spawned a long and dark period of humorless political correctness which was all the rage at the time too. We are talking circa 1988. But some things took hold. You know, things such as really looking at the power dynamics of most uncomfortable situations. As I've matured, and I have, I can actively choose to act or not react to what unfolds around me. I can label and analyze and decide where I might have impact. Then move or not move. But usually, not being shy, I move.

At any rate there's all that. There's also Womanist Musings to which I subscribe because she's genius. (Just read it and get your mind blown.) Who clearly and recently brought to the forefront of my thinking again, that if you ain't it, then shut the hell up about who they might be. She was talking about a trans person. If she feels she is a she, then who is anyone else to say otherwise. No one else walks around in her skin. Call her she/her/hers. It's not complicated. It's not mine to determine. It is hers. Period.

Period. That's for emphasis.

So to tie this rambling together I encountered a white woman today who took it upon herself to define just how unblack another person was. She used ridicule and snarky language to deride this person and how she chose to represent herself. And I did use my words to say, "touch not", which is very ASL, and that she was out of line, in English, but white woman continued. Not Black Enough Woman was mean to her, thus it was her excuse to shred her apart.

Actually, call Not Black Enough Woman all kinds of things that were pertinent to the conversation where mean things were said. But do not ever, feel you can define what or who someone else is. Because you can't and to assume you can or that you even MAY is just the height of privilege racist ego.

Did I say this hurts my head?

Now what pisses me off more than not being heard when I said "shut up" is that I don't think I can encounter white woman again without explaining the whole house of privilege, again, which won't sink in, again, and I'm going to have to write her off. I explain things twice; a few times if you're paying me to, but otherwise if you can't get it we're done.

I'm disappointed.

Writing Soon

Photo: Pingu1963

It's Wrapped

I've not posted in some time because I've been busy wrapping up school. As in finished. Done. Poke it with a toothpick and the batter will be set, only crumbs sticking to it. The internal temperature of the pork is well over 160. It's done. I'm refraining from saying the juices will run clear, because that's just too nearly sexual. And school was many things, but sexy it was not.

In good blog fashion I should say what it was and expand on that but it's too soon. It's a degree that says I put my time and perhaps learned something. That's where I'm leaving it now.

Since finishing school I went to the library and got books. I read "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert on the flight to and from Las Vegas this weekend.

Me and My Ego

At one point before having read it, I said out loud and to someone I know, "I want to write the next EPL book." Oh, the arrogance in that there statement. It's a profound piece of writing which gave me chills and had me taking notes. I think the note taking has everything to do with my recent 5 year stint at the university. Regardless, I'm a few years behind the masses but wowzers. It was awesome.

And my ego needs a check.

Well maybe not, because while I find it funny that I could say what I said, my original intent of why I want to write is the same. I just want to tell my story and maybe inspire someone to make changes in their own life that will lead to their own personal happiness. Kind of like if I can pick myself up and change two very fundamental things about myself which caused me all kinds of pain, then maybe someone else can too.

The point is to not live in pain and fear but to live in joy.

And there are ways to really master that. Which while I'm no master I've been collecting tools of change for decades and want to share them.

Not here, not now, because well, that too deep for today's little post.

But if my book only gets in the hands a few people, then that's okay, because it will be what it's supposed to be. Here is where I straddle the line between wanting EVERYTHING to be the best possible thing it can be, hoping for some serious return on investment in many ways like EPL but also knowing that the return need not mean dollars and probably won't. (But dollars would be awfully nice.) Because the intent is in the writing not in the selling of the book. Also, I know good intent doesn't equal good book. Good intent still can leave a mess.

It will all shake out.

Because everything always shakes out, right? There is so much to plan for. The writing time is quickly approaching. I'm excited.

EPIC? Me? Go on. Really?

Photo: Darren Hester

I read this post by Charlie at productive flourishing. He's a genius. http://www.productiveflourishing.com/do-epic-shit/

The concept is amazing. Well not really, the concept is pretty much, do big things and get big results. Don't do something small and work like hell to make it look big. Start with EPIC as the mind set.

I thought what's so epic about little ol' me? Well frankly everything and nothing at all. I mean day to day, I'm a regular woman. I go to work, feed the children, love my people, work with my body, grow my brain. I think most people do a smattering of that. I'm not so special.

There's been a whole lot of change in the last couple of years.

But the everything part is that oh, about 6 years ago I thought the only way out of my then situation was for someone to die. Either me or my partner at the time. I was 34 and thought I was waiting for the end of a life so that what I really wanted to do could start. Isn't that so sad? I'd stick a frowny face in here if it weren't so cheesy.

Mind you I didn't want to kill her, nor did I want to die, but really, the thought, "Is this what I get?" saturated with disappointment about who I was and how I felt made me take stock, and say I can change this.

So I broke up with her. Big move, I realize.

We had a one year old.

That was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Breaking up with my partner meant that I would only have my child with half the time. What's EPIC about that? We are co parenting in a very collaborative, healthy way. The girl child's best interest is our ultimate decision question. Answer that and we are good to go. A lot of ego and hurt feelings has gotten set aside so we can do what is best for her. Girl child is the light of our lives. She fills our hearts and we are all happy. Also, ex's mother is among my dearest friends, to this day.

Then I decided to go back to school.

Because now I was single and had a mortgage and only one income and a child to raise. The three jobs I was working still wasn't enough money at the end of week. I was making decisions about what bills not to pay.

School was a way out economically, but it was a long view solution. It also was an answer to "How you can you stop hating yourself for never having gone to college even though you have very, very good explanations for not attending?" Going back to school to get an undergrad then a graduate degree at age 40 is EPIC.

Then I lost weight and in the process found a connection to my body.

Around 2006 I found out about lapbanding as a weight loss solution. After some soul searching I got on board and had that done in 2007. I've never looked back. I did my best to exercise and eat well. I looked at the opportunity as once in a lifetime chance to get regular so I worked it from every angle. I'm regular now and it's great. Losing 174 pounds is EPIC.

The collection of learning and people I've made along the way has been amazing. The shift in how I view the world, my potential and even my little brown house has gone from primarily negative to absolutely positive. And that is EPIC.

So what's that got to do with Charlie's post? How to take the humble story of me with all that gold and get it out there. I'm working on it. I suppose it's that book thing idea I have, that I don't want to talk about too much for fear of putting a whammy on it. Whammies and Hairy Eye Balls* dictate a lot of how I operate.

*Also known as the Evil Eye.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/ppdigital/

Freaking OUT

Photo:Perfesser_bear

I don't usually say I'm scared and burst into tears.

I don't usually reveal that kind of stuff in the space either.

What's going on with me today?

I'm just a few weeks away from graduating from school. I've been at it for 5 years. I do deserve to get done with it at some point.

Add one more week to that and I'm getting parts of my body lobbed off. They are parts I don't want, not like an arm or anything. It's my excess skin, but really it's still mine and it's going to be costly and painful and disruptive to my daily flow.

I'm scared of all the changes.

Oh and they are happening in close succession because I'm a master with a Gantt* chart and I typically make things happen with pretty good timing. A few months ago I considered this good timing.

* I heart Gantt, I read his biography, and I don't normally read biographies.

There's a trip to Las Vegas in during the weekend between the two major life changing events as well. Yeah, I'm that good or that crazy depending on your point of view.

So after I burst out into tears, my person, who knows me pretty well, went on to ask about the surgery recovery. She playfully stated that by the end of the six weeks I'll have my coaching business up and running and my book written.

I said, "You think you're being funny, but that's kind of the plan."

She said, "I wasn't being funny. I know that's how you operate."

There is no mystery to me.

And really, the plan is to be enrolled in some coaching certification program before then and to solicit agents for the book. Which means writing bits and bios and outlines and comparing like books. Also doing research on the coaching programs out there. Who knew there were so many?

But also cool, saying things out loud, to people like my on-line professor, such as, "Executive coaching is my ultimate career goal" got an offer to hook me up with someone she knows who is doing it for real, locally.

So yeah, Julianna doesn't have a plan past the end of May and she's freaking out 8 different ways.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/perfesser_bear/

Life Lesson

photo: by lu_lu

There was a woman in my life for many years.

She's moved away, but I love her still.

She was crazy.

You know the kind of crazy that can hang on to a job because it's union and she had the art of apology down really, really well.

And actually she contributes amazingly to any community she is involved with. There's a small town in Alabama wondering what the hell is hitting them, as I type.

We worked together in the cafeteria. I am a lunch lady after all. Actually I was her boss, and like I said, I was on the receiving end of a few apologies but this isn't about that.

There are shops she can't walk into for having lost her temper and basically calling out the injustices she witnessed. Only later with the clarity that only distance and time gives, would she concede there was probably a different point of view at play. But the recanting of those stories always made for a good laugh.

This is about minding ones own business.

Tending to ones own home before poking their nose in other people's houses.

Why this and why now? Well I'm a lunch lady and I'm also a person who has had weight loss surgery. Someone on the message board I post on was talking about other people watching what she eats. I suppose people watch what I eat but I'm a little too busy to really be that involved watching people watching me.

I'm a little mean too.

Well, not mean, but direct. And there is a perfect line from Ms B which rolls off my tongue regardless of the setting. So I suppose I do notice, but that's only after someone makes an oh so inappropriate comment about my nutritional selections.

It goes a like this: "What I eat, you don't shit. So don't worry 'bout what's on my plate." I have uttered those words countless times.

You can join me too. That goes for the vegan, vegetarians, bacon eaters and anyone who has had to deal with anyone policing what you stick in your mouth. Claim your plate and your choices and tell people to get busy taking care of themselves.

photo:lu_lu

Eggs and Networking

Photo Link: VirtualErn

You never know who you might meet when you walk into a room.

I came across a familiar face today in a training session at work. We don't have many training sessions here and there's a pervasive idea that they are optional, so I toyed with the idea of not going. But I'm at a point where I'm doing my best to tune in and stay connected and giving my agency my all.

There is something about working hard until the very end and/or trying everything so when I walk away I can say I tried. Makes me feel good.

But low, it was when I read the "howdy" screen and caught the name of the facilitator/instructor I got excited. I knew him, knew his work. He was one of the first presenters I came across in my career who made me think, "I want that job."

He's that good.

He's James White. (Bad link! another thing to talk about!)

At break I reconnected with him. There were other touch points where we've hit here and there so that was easy. But then and here's where Juli is wearing her big girl panties and projecting her value...I started talking about what I could do for him.

(I could have put a picture of big girl panties at the top which might have been more provocative, but really I see them as big white grannies that can get hitched up high, there's confidence in knowing your butt is covered.)

We are going to meet and he's going to share his experiences, which are vast and valuable to me. And I'm going to kick him in the butt on social media and other ways to make more money.

Mentor meet motivator.

We are going to have eggs.

Having eggs is my favorite way to have a meeting with a person because:

I can pick up the check because it's the cheapest meal of the day.

I do my best in the morning.

They don't get sidetracked with other obligations until later in the day.

And we all have to get back to work so there are finite time allotments.

I'm so completely stoked.

Photo by:http://www.flickr.com/photos/dongkwan/VirtualErn

Bring it on, Mrs O

Mrs O is one of my favorite blogs. Certainly the First Lady is much more than a style icon. She's smart, professional, compassionate, fierce and by all means a delight to have representing women of America.

This isn't to dismiss the fact that she's being unpaid to do her job, and it is a job, to support her man, and our country, to be the woman in the White House. But if someone has got to do it, I'm happy it is her.

While reading this happy piece of blog talking about her necklace there was conversation about the designer Binns and his opening a new place in NYC in this economy. I love the bring it on mentality he has.

You know, if you're going to live your dream, do it. It's like I double dog dare you to get in my way. How can anyone come across that and not be inspired?

And I get I'm all happy for someone who is creating couture items when most of the world is hurting, but none the less, I love the attitude.

Show Up

Getting caught up on the RSS feeds in my Google Reader inspires me. I'm not talking about the numbers going from 43 to 0 but reading all the cool and useful and interesting stuff out there.

I'm freakin' awestruck.

It's not that any single voice is daunting or spell binding -though fantastic all of them are- it is the collection of thought, the sound reason, the motivation spilling off the page that has me sitting agape.

I feel particularly special to be in the same orbit as these folks. I feel like I fit in too. A blogger, with words and thoughts I want to share. I'm struck that the invitation is always standing, always open for people to join in the discussion and take away the pieces that may work.

Which leads me to this theory

There is always a party happening and one can always attend. Just don't show up and be an ass. Even if you think you might not fit in with the crowd, you'd be surprised. The people at the party want to meet you too. Again, if you leave the ass behavior at home, and be genuine and open, you'll have a good time.

Let me share an example of when this happened in my real life. Being super morbidly obese I typically didn't feel comfortable in the gym. There are oodles of people there who are fit and perfect and I was obviously not. But part of the plan to get from where I didn't want to be to where I wanted to be included working out. At a gym.

So I went.

People weren't horrible. I went more often and I wasn't an ass and actually pretty quickly a circle of people chatted me up and shared their stories. Come to find out these perfect people have been some of the strongest most encouraging voices along the way. I may have never found out the Brad Pitt look-a-like really digs Cross-Fit if I didn't ask what the he was doing. (And now I love it too). Barbie may have never gone a run with me but I asked her if she would, now I have an occasional running buddy. We talk about returning to college later in life. I would have never guessed.

Maybe because they see the work I've done or maybe because I speak their language and made an effort to connect or maybe because people are decent and they are looking for people too. I don't know I'm just happy I tried.

There are other parties happening else where too.

So you want to learn to speak publicly. There's Toastmasters. They've got a system. They'll let you play. You want to learn to golf, learn astronomy, or pottery? There are people out there who's passion is just those things and they will share with you and call you friend. What do you have to do? Show up.

Showing up is the hard part.

We tell ourselves that we aren't good enough, smart enough, skilled enough, or heaven forbid, we say we are above these lowly folks. That's the don't be an ass part. If the first group of folks aren't your people and there are many reason why they might not be, there are others who potentially are.

Go find them. They are waiting for you. Well, not really the party isn't going to comense when you walk in the door. It's been rolling along, they are having a good ol' time without you.

Certainly, if you show up they'll share with you what they know.