Fiddle Sticks and Other Grumblings

Managing to get stuff done while I'm in a fog always surprises me.

I feel like I'm in a fog most of the time. I get stuff done too, almost like auto pilot. Almost. If I just wasn't aware of the fact that something is missing it would be perfect.

I am one of those people who starts the day with a to do list and I also look back at the end of a day or a weekend to say, this is what I accomplished this is what I missed. I really try to look back over the day with an appreciation, not a whip. Most times I find I'm doing just fine.

But not exceptional.

It was easier when I didn't realize exceptional was an option. It was easier when survival was the key objective. Now that's covered. I went from survival to learning how to learn. Which has it's benefits and it will serve me for the rest of my life. It really did come to a surprise to me that there were institutions and lives spent in the creation of passing on learning. (That's another post.)

Now it's creation time.

What?

It's not a matter of what to create. That would be a revenue stream that has me doing what I love in a non icky way, which is helping people realize their potential. I want to help individuals and groups, alone and together. I want to write, I want to speak, I want to be valued, and I want to perform. (Not artistic actor - perform, but surpass benchmarks and set new standards - perform.)

And it's not a matter of having the confidence. One might ask, "Julianna, what makes you think you can do that?" and the answer is "because I can" and "because I do".

S0 what is the matter?

Oh, the matter would be how to get from my utter and complete reliance on a stable paycheck and cushy state benefits to pulling it off.

A girl needs a plan. And that's what I'm good at doing, making plans that is. Closing the gaps between where one is and where one wants to be. I'm good at the execution part too. But I'm not good at the waiting part.

I need to wait.

There are things to do between now and then, so waiting won't be entirely in vain, but oh, oh, oh I want it all and a I want it now.

Alas, I'm just whiny and discontented. I'll get it all, just not right this very moment. I'm sure there's some learning I need to do before it happens anyway. But fiddle sticks and other grumblings.