I'd been holding my breath for decades

You know there are those things that you do that you don't even know you are doing them until you stop. And you didn't even realize that you stopped until you noticed you're not doing that thing anymore?

Yeah, I had that happen today.

I thought I was going to keep the weight loss stuff mostly off this blog, but that blog is a pain to get to and well the point is to write so here it comes.

I went to a spin-boot camp class today. Most the folks left after 30 minutes of spinning to the go to boot camp in another room but me and two other woman stayed to spin a little longer. We chatted. We talked about kids and school and kids in school. It was just pleasant.

Then the kid and I went to the store(s) and lunch and well, something happened while I was driving home in the rain. I realized I had stopped expecting people to look at me and be biased.

Biased based on my size.

I didn't realize I had that long held expectation all the time. Oh there were certainly peak moments when I knew the bias was going to come, sitting next to people on the bus or walking into a restaurant, but it infiltrated every encounter with every body, all the time. Or so I'm guessing now that I realized I've stopped expecting it at the most obtuse moments.

I mean I've noticed, and it's a sad commentary, that people are friendlier. And no it's not because I'm more confident; I've always been confident. People are friendlier because I'm not fat. I don't know what a smile or holding the door was going to cause them to lose when I was heavy. I wasn't going to snatch food from their hand or heavens gobble up their children. But it is this truly something that happens.

And no, when I was driving today, I didn't see this as a victory, as it woo hoo I've passed the passing for normal size SAT. But I saw it as a Dude, that's kind of sad that I walked around apprehensive more than I ever would have admitted to. And people are bastards, all kind of in one big thought.

And more to the point, I recently hooked up via Face Book with an old friend who is pretty politically astute. She was gentle in asking about the weight and I was eager to reply, but also knowing I wanted to temper my enthusiasm with a real dose of size acceptance. Old friend, comes from back in what I call my Humorless Lesbian Phase, where the label does a bit of a disservice because there was much laughing, but we made sport of who could more politically correct. She always, always won.

Also, it's not something I easily gloss over. While I personally never advocated for size acceptance when I was large in an organized let's rally kind of way, it was something I strived for in my daily exchanges. And more over, while I've been going through this weight loss period my closest friend it the world, (CFITW? naw, G.) is an advocate and we've had to have some pretty intense and exposed conversations on how to negotiate through our relationship while I've lost weight. I'm glad to report we are as close as ever and remain cheering each other on constantly.

So the whole kit and caboodle is in the forefront of my mind when the thought came to me today, and aside from writing about here, I don't know what else to do about it, if anything.