So, let me tell you about my crisis of ambiguity which is causing me to eat too many cookies, ice-cream and yes, pasta.
I've really sat down to work this out, because was sabotaging myself in record ways. I was stunned at how far I had gotten from who I am, and who I want to be.
I want to be someone who has control of how she responds to food in her environment. I want to be proud of myself. I don't want to be flailing on the end of the dog's tail. I want to be closer the the dog's butt. (There's a post in that statement but the gist of it, is the closer a flea is to the butt of the dog, while riding the tail the less out of control the ride will be.)
I really needed to figure out why because the self loathing is just not happy nor productive. I like being happy and productive.
So using my tools of writing and asking "why" questions and meditating and fully expecting insights because of http://shivanata.com/ and Havi said I would if I did the work, I came to some reasonable conclusions.
I am relieved. This is what I think now:
The problem is I don't have a real image of what I'm going to be doing in 8 months. Where will I be working? What will I be doing? I'm pretty scared. I'm a girl who has lived her life according to a strategic plan since 2005. It's not that structured, just the big stuff, so it all gets done. But the plan ends this year and the next one can't be firmed up until some BIG GIANT UNKNOWNS get answered.
I can't answer them right now. So I have to be okay with not knowing.
I'm safe. I'm secure. Not knowing is okay, not knowing is okay, not knowing is okay. That's my mantra.
But there are some things I know will I want to be true in 8 months, and are true today. My work today will impact them later.
I know I want my daughter to be better with her anxiety.
I know I want to be as healthy as possible.
I know I want to be loving the good people in my life.
I know I want to continue learning and exploring my options.
So while I practice not knowing exactly where I'll be working or what I'll be doing for money, I can stay mindful that I'm safe where I am and this is a good launching pad. Also, the new stuff is what all the work since 05 has been about.
Also, I can do things actively that support what I want and need in my life and those are loving and caring and learning.
It's a nice place to be. And yeah, actually going for the bowl of oatmeal with maple syrup instead of the eggs with mayo and believing and knowing full well that choice will make me happier has the maple tasting sweeter.
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Oh, wow. The Not Knowing is so frightening, but it's so inspiring that you're still just trying to meet yourself where you are in that unknown place.
ReplyDeleteI'm currently struggling with redefining the way I look at my life and my career and I'm terrified. I don't know where I'm going to be in eight months, or even a year, either. I'm not ever sure yet where I WANT to be. I know I want more writing in my life. More yoga. Less alchohol. More health. I feel good about it, but not having a clear picture is still scary.
There's a quote in Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird that goes something like, "We're all going to be Okay, even if we don't yet know what Okay looks like."
I try to remember that, but it's hard. Big hug to you for what you're going through.